Where are you? Your voice is too quiet lately.

-Reader Comment

Lately I’ve been missing from my own life. Even this blog, which I began almost two years ago has missing pieces, posts that I made private to protect the identity of others. As if I’m slowly erasing the memory of me in their stories, instead of the other way around.

When did I start giving a shit what others think? Why has my voice been so quiet after a period of breaking through all those years of silence that I vowed to never return? When did I stop making people laugh?

Two weeks ago, I stood in front of a crowd of strangers at a local comedy club, which was inspired by a conversation I overheard on the bus and Levity’s weekly open mic night. With the exception of a co-worker and his fiance, I knew no one in the audience. And I got laughs. Lots of them. People laughed, and they weren’t being sympathetic.

A week later, I came alone, without knowing if anyone I’d invited would show up. They didn’t. No matter. People laughed even harder. I was standing in front of group of people I did not know, and I was making them laugh, genuine, hearty laughs. As soon as I sat down at my table for one, there were immediate pats on the back and congratulations. A woman sitting in the back grabbed my arm on my way to order food.

“That was exceptional,” she said to me.
“Thank you,” was all I could say.

The people behind the counter treated me with a respect I didn’t get the previous week. Even a few of the regular comics approached me to shake my hand.

Q: Why have I been so discouraged, invisible, and quiet since last Passover?

A: The Life’s Pursuit and the pursuit of love are not one in the same.

Unfortunately, I must leave one behind in search of the other.